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The Complete Guide to Supporting Someone Dealing with Grief and Loss (Without Making Things Worse)
When my mum died, I was 13 years old.
People around me were very unsure what to say or do. They would either avoid me, change the topic and act as if nothing had happened, or say things that were unhelpful and sometimes hurtful.
They were very well meaning. They just weren't prepared for how to support someone dealing with loss.
A well-meaning neighbour told me I mustn't cry and that I had to be strong for my brothers and sisters.
Years later, I made the same mistake myself.
I need to tell you about the day I got it completely wrong.
My friend's mum had just died. I wanted to help so badly. I cared about her deeply. But when I picked up my phone to text her, I froze.
What do you say when someone's world has just fallen apart?
I couldn't decide what message to send. Eventually, I settled on: "I'm here if you need anything."
Then I avoided her and waited for weeks for her to reach out.
Not because I didn't care. Because I was worried. Worried about saying the wrong thing. Of making her cry. Of not knowing what to do if she broke down in front of me.
So I did nothing. Just waited.
That guilt stayed with me for a long time. Now that I've trained to be a Grief Transformation Coach, I'm writing this guide for you today.
Because here's what I've learned from experiencing and supporting many people dealing with grief and loss:
You're not alone in feeling helpless. Most of us freeze when someone we love or care about is grieving. We desperately want to help, but we often don't know how.
And that fear keeps good people from showing up.
This guide will change that.
By the time you finish reading, you'll know exactly what to say and do when someone you care about is grieving. You won't have to guess. You won't have to freeze. You'll just know.
Let's start.
Understanding What Grief Really Is
Before we talk about how to support someone, we need to understand what grief actually is.
Grief isn't just sadness about death. It's the response to any significant loss or change in a familiar pattern of behaviour.
Grief emotions can be produced by:
Death of a loved one
Divorce or relationship breakdown
Job loss or redundancy
Health diagnosis
Miscarriage or infertility
Empty nest
Loss of a pet
Moving away from home
End of a friendship
Retirement
Loss of independence
In fact, there are over 40 life events that can produce feelings of grief and loss. Unresolved grief is not only negative, it is cumulative, and doesn't just go away with time.
And here's what most people don't understand.
Jamie Anderson describes grief as love with nowhere to go.
He says that when we experience loss, the love doesn't stop. It just has nowhere to land anymore. That's what makes it so painful.
The person still wants to call their mum. Share news with their partner. Go to work on Monday. But they can't. At least not in the way they used to.
So all that love, all that longing, all that habit of connection, it has nowhere to go.
That's grief.
Want to learn the 5 biggest mistakes people make when supporting someone dealing with grief and loss?
Why Most People Get It Wrong
I've worked with many people dealing with grief and loss. And I've heard the same stories over and over.
"Everyone disappeared after the funeral."
"People stopped mentioning my dad's name, like he never existed."
"My friends avoided me because they didn't know what to say."
"Someone told me I should be over it by now."
Here's the thing: most people who get it wrong aren't bad people. They're scared people.
They're scared of:
Saying the wrong thing
Making the person cry
Not being enough
Their own discomfort with death and loss
Not knowing what to do in difficult situations
So they do one of three things:
1. They avoid the person completely.
They stop calling. They cross the street to avoid running into them. They don't mention the loss because they think it will "remind them" (as if they could forget).
2. They offer vague platitudes.
"Everything happens for a reason."
"They're in a better place."
"Time heals all wounds."
These phrases might make the supporter feel better, but they usually make the person they're supporting feel worse.
3. They disappear after the initial crisis.
They're incredibly supportive for the first few weeks. They send flowers. They drop off meals. They check in constantly.
Then they gradually fade away. Life goes back to normal for them. But not for the person who's grieving.
The result?
The grieving person may feel abandoned. Alone. Like their pain is too much for people to handle.
And the supporter feels guilty. They wanted to help. They just didn't know how.
This guide will show you a better way.
The Foundation: What Grieving People Actually Need
Before we get into the specifics, you need to understand this fundamental truth:
Grieving people don't need you to fix their pain. They need you to witness it.
Let me say that again, because it's the most important thing in this entire guide.
You cannot fix their pain. You cannot take it away. You cannot make it better.
And trying to do so will actually make things worse.
What they need instead:
Permission to not be okay.
Everywhere else, they're getting the message that they should be "moving on" or "staying strong." From you, they need permission to fall apart.
Someone to listen without judgement.
They need to talk about their loss. Tell the same stories repeatedly. Express complicated feelings like anger, guilt, and even relief.
Practical support.
Their brain doesn't work properly right now. They can't think clearly enough to know what they need, let alone ask for it. They need you to do specific things without being asked.
Consistency over time.
Not grand gestures that fade away. Small, regular contact that says "I haven't forgotten you."
To know you're not afraid of their grief.
If you can sit with them in their pain without trying to fix it, that's the greatest gift you can give.
Download my free guide: "5 Things Never to Say to Someone Grieving (Plus What Actually Helps)"
What to Say (And What Never to Say)
Let's get practical. Here's exactly what to say in different situations.
When You First Hear About Their Loss
Keep it simple. Don't overthink it.
Say:
"I'm so sorry."
"I don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know I care."
"I'm thinking of you."
Don't say:
"I know how you feel." (You don't. Every loss is unique.)
"Everything happens for a reason." (This minimises their pain.)
"They're in a better place." (They wanted them here.)
"At least..." (Anything starting with this is unhelpful.)
"You mustn't cry."
"You've got to be strong."
When Offering Help
Be specific. Vague offers put the burden back on them.
Say:
"I'm going shopping on Tuesday. What can I pick up for you?"
"I've made too much dinner. Can I drop some round?"
"I'm free Saturday morning. Can I help with cooking or cleaning?"
Don't say:
"Let me know if you need anything." (They won't ask.)
When They're Having a Tough Day
Acknowledge their feelings are valid. Don't try to cheer them up.
Say:
"Today sounds really hard."
"It's okay to not be okay."
"I'm here."
"All of your feelings are normal."
Don't say:
"Don't cry."
"You need to be strong."
"They wouldn't want you to be sad."
When They Want to Talk About Their Loss
Encourage it. Don't change the subject.
Say:
"Tell me about them."
"What's your favourite memory?"
"They sound like they were really special."
Don't:
Avoid mentioning the person's name
Change the subject quickly
Act uncomfortable when they talk about them
The magic question that works in any situation:
"What would be most helpful right now?"
This puts them in control and stops you guessing what they need.
The Support Timeline That Actually Works
Here's where most people get it wrong: they stop checking in too soon.
The first few weeks are actually the easiest time for most grieving people. They're in shock. They're surrounded by support. They have things to do. Funerals to plan, affairs to sort.
The hardest time comes later.
When the shock wears off. When everyone else has moved on. When the meals stop arriving. When they're expected to be "back to normal."
That's when they need you most.
Here's the support timeline that works:
Weeks 1-2: Daily check-ins
Quick texts. "Thinking of you today."
Weeks 3-8: 2-3 times per week
"How are you managing this week?"
Months 3-6: Weekly check-ins
"I know everyone's stopped asking, but how are you really doing?"
6+ months: Monthly check-ins, plus special dates
"Thinking of you, especially today."
Remember difficult dates:
Birthdays. Anniversaries. Holidays. The anniversary of their loss.
Set reminders in your phone. These are the days when everyone else forgets and your presence matters most.
Grief doesn't follow the timeline everyone expects. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
When to Step Back and Get Professional Help
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the person you're supporting needs more than friendship. They need professional help.
Red flags that need immediate attention:
Any talk of not wanting to be alive
Complete withdrawal from all contact
Dangerous behaviours (not eating, excessive drinking, self-harm)
Inability to function for weeks
Signs of psychosis or detachment from reality
If you see these signs, don't try to handle it alone.
What to do:
Contact emergency services if there's immediate danger (999 in the UK)
Encourage them to speak with their GP
Call the Samaritans together (116 123, free, 24/7)
Contact their emergency contact if they have one
Signs they might benefit from grief support:
Grief getting worse after several months
Intense guilt or anger not improving
Feeling stuck in their grief journey
Complete loss of hope for the future
How to suggest professional help:
"I wonder if talking to a Grief Specialist might help?"
"Would you like me to help you find someone to talk to?"
Don't say: "You need therapy." That sounds judgemental.
Want emergency response scripts for crisis situations? They're included in my complete grief support toolkit.
Taking Care of Yourself While Supporting Others
Supporting someone through grief is emotionally demanding. You can't pour from an empty cup.
Warning signs you need support:
Losing sleep worrying about them
Feeling responsible for their emotional state
Avoiding other friends or activities
Having your own mental health struggles
Neglecting your own needs
What to do:
Set healthy boundaries. Decide what you can genuinely offer and stick to it.
Have your own support ready. Talk to friends, family, or a counsellor about how you're finding it.
Practise self-care. This isn't selfish. It's essential.
Remember: you're not responsible for fixing their grief. You're just walking alongside them.
Different Types of Loss Need Different Support
Not all grief looks the same. Different losses need different types of support.
Death of a loved one needs help with practical matters (funeral arrangements, legal issues) plus long-term emotional support.
Relationship breakdown needs acknowledgement that this is a real loss, even though the person is still alive. Don't take sides or give relationship advice.
Job loss needs validation that this is about more than money. It's identity, purpose, and routine.
Health diagnosis needs support through fear about the future, plus practical help with medical appointments and daily tasks.
Each type of loss has its own complications. But the foundation remains the same: presence, patience, and practical support.
The Truth About "Moving On"
Let me tell you something that might surprise you.
You don't move on from grief. You move forward with it.
There's a difference.
Moving on suggests leaving it behind. Forgetting. Getting over it. Like it never happened.
Moving forward means integrating it into your life. Carrying it with you. But not letting it define you. It also means acknowledging how you feel, identifying unresolved issues and communications, and processing them.
Think of it like this:
Grief is like a rucksack you now carry. At first, it's so heavy you can barely stand. Over time, you get stronger. The rucksack feels lighter (even though it weighs the same). You learn how to carry it better. You learn when to set it down for a rest.
But you don't throw it away. Because it contains everything you loved about what you lost.
This is what you're supporting them to do.
Not to forget. Not to "get over it." Just to learn to carry it differently.
To build a life that includes the loss but isn't defined by it.
To find meaning and purpose and joy again, while still honouring what they've lost.
This is possible. And you can help them get there.
Your Next Steps
You've learned the foundation of supporting someone through grief. You know what to say, what not to say, and how to show up over time.
But knowing and doing are different things.
When your friend texts you that their dad just died, you'll still feel that moment of panic. "What do I say? What do I do?"
That's normal. That's human.
That's why I created two resources to help you:
Start Here: Free Guide
Download my free guide: "5 Things Never to Say to Someone Grieving (Plus What Actually Helps)."
It's a 10-minute read that gives you the essentials.
Go Deeper: Complete Toolkit
If you want everything you need for every situation, I've created a complete toolkit: "How to Support Someone Through Grief and Loss (Without Making Things Worse)."
It includes:
Emergency response scripts for crisis moments
30 days of check-in message examples
Guidance for different types of loss
Printable reference cards
Self-care strategies
Everything in one place. So you never have to freeze again when someone you love is grieving.
Learn more about the complete grief support toolkit
Final Thoughts
Three years ago, I avoided my friend when she needed me most.
That guilt drove me to create this resource. To learn what actually helps. To support many people through their darkest moments.
And here's what I know now:
You don't need to be perfect. You just need to show up.
You don't need all the answers. You just need to be present.
You don't need to take away their pain. You just need to sit with them in it.
That's enough. You are enough.
Someone you care about is (or will be) going through something devastating. They'll need your support. But they probably won't ask for it.
This guide has given you the foundation. Now it's up to you to use it.
Send someone a message today. Check in with that person you've been avoiding. Use the words you learned here.
Show up. Be present. Follow through.
That's what love and care look like in grief.
And the person you're supporting will never forget that you were there when everyone else disappeared.
Share This Post:
Know someone who's supporting someone dealing with grief and loss? Share this guide with them. Let's help each other get better at showing up when it matters most.
The Complete Guide to Supporting Someone Dealing with Grief and Loss (Without Making Things Worse)
When my mum died, I was 13 years old.
People around me were very unsure what to say or do. They would either avoid me, change the topic and act as if nothing had happened, or say things that were unhelpful and sometimes hurtful.
They were very well meaning. They just weren't prepared for how to support someone dealing with loss.
A well-meaning neighbour told me I mustn't cry and that I had to be strong for my brothers and sisters.
Years later, I made the same mistake myself.
I need to tell you about the day I got it completely wrong.
My friend's mum had just died. I wanted to help so badly. I cared about her deeply. But when I picked up my phone to text her, I froze.
What do you say when someone's world has just fallen apart?
I couldn't decide what message to send. Eventually, I settled on: "I'm here if you need anything."
Then I avoided her and waited for weeks for her to reach out.
Not because I didn't care. Because I was worried. Worried about saying the wrong thing. Of making her cry. Of not knowing what to do if she broke down in front of me.
So I did nothing. Just waited.
That guilt stayed with me for a long time. Now that I've trained to be a Grief Transformation Coach, I'm writing this guide for you today.
Because here's what I've learned from experiencing and supporting many people dealing with grief and loss:
You're not alone in feeling helpless. Most of us freeze when someone we love or care about is grieving. We desperately want to help, but we often don't know how.
And that fear keeps good people from showing up.
This guide will change that.
By the time you finish reading, you'll know exactly what to say and do when someone you care about is grieving. You won't have to guess. You won't have to freeze. You'll just know.
Let's start.
Understanding What Grief Really Is
Before we talk about how to support someone, we need to understand what grief actually is.
Grief isn't just sadness about death. It's the response to any significant loss or change in a familiar pattern of behaviour.
Grief emotions can be produced by:
Death of a loved one
Divorce or relationship breakdown
Job loss or redundancy
Health diagnosis
Miscarriage or infertility
Empty nest
Loss of a pet
Moving away from home
End of a friendship
Retirement
Loss of independence
In fact, there are over 40 life events that can produce feelings of grief and loss. Unresolved grief is not only negative, it is cumulative, and doesn't just go away with time.
And here's what most people don't understand.
Jamie Anderson describes grief as love with nowhere to go.
He says that when we experience loss, the love doesn't stop. It just has nowhere to land anymore. That's what makes it so painful.
The person still wants to call their mum. Share news with their partner. Go to work on Monday. But they can't. At least not in the way they used to.
So all that love, all that longing, all that habit of connection, it has nowhere to go.
That's grief.
Want to learn the 5 biggest mistakes people make when supporting someone dealing with grief and loss?
Why Most People Get It Wrong
I've worked with many people dealing with grief and loss. And I've heard the same stories over and over.
"Everyone disappeared after the funeral."
"People stopped mentioning my dad's name, like he never existed."
"My friends avoided me because they didn't know what to say."
"Someone told me I should be over it by now."
Here's the thing: most people who get it wrong aren't bad people. They're scared people.
They're scared of:
Saying the wrong thing
Making the person cry
Not being enough
Their own discomfort with death and loss
Not knowing what to do in difficult situations
So they do one of three things:
1. They avoid the person completely.
They stop calling. They cross the street to avoid running into them. They don't mention the loss because they think it will "remind them" (as if they could forget).
2. They offer vague platitudes.
"Everything happens for a reason."
"They're in a better place."
"Time heals all wounds."
These phrases might make the supporter feel better, but they usually make the person they're supporting feel worse.
3. They disappear after the initial crisis.
They're incredibly supportive for the first few weeks. They send flowers. They drop off meals. They check in constantly.
Then they gradually fade away. Life goes back to normal for them. But not for the person who's grieving.
The result?
The grieving person may feel abandoned. Alone. Like their pain is too much for people to handle.
And the supporter feels guilty. They wanted to help. They just didn't know how.
This guide will show you a better way.
The Foundation: What Grieving People Actually Need
Before we get into the specifics, you need to understand this fundamental truth:
Grieving people don't need you to fix their pain. They need you to witness it.
Let me say that again, because it's the most important thing in this entire guide.
You cannot fix their pain. You cannot take it away. You cannot make it better.
And trying to do so will actually make things worse.
What they need instead:
Permission to not be okay.
Everywhere else, they're getting the message that they should be "moving on" or "staying strong." From you, they need permission to fall apart.
Someone to listen without judgement.
They need to talk about their loss. Tell the same stories repeatedly. Express complicated feelings like anger, guilt, and even relief.
Practical support.
Their brain doesn't work properly right now. They can't think clearly enough to know what they need, let alone ask for it. They need you to do specific things without being asked.
Consistency over time.
Not grand gestures that fade away. Small, regular contact that says "I haven't forgotten you."
To know you're not afraid of their grief.
If you can sit with them in their pain without trying to fix it, that's the greatest gift you can give.
Download my free guide: "5 Things Never to Say to Someone Grieving (Plus What Actually Helps)"
What to Say (And What Never to Say)
Let's get practical. Here's exactly what to say in different situations.
When You First Hear About Their Loss
Keep it simple. Don't overthink it.
Say:
"I'm so sorry."
"I don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know I care."
"I'm thinking of you."
Don't say:
"I know how you feel." (You don't. Every loss is unique.)
"Everything happens for a reason." (This minimises their pain.)
"They're in a better place." (They wanted them here.)
"At least..." (Anything starting with this is unhelpful.)
"You mustn't cry."
"You've got to be strong."
When Offering Help
Be specific. Vague offers put the burden back on them.
Say:
"I'm going shopping on Tuesday. What can I pick up for you?"
"I've made too much dinner. Can I drop some round?"
"I'm free Saturday morning. Can I help with cooking or cleaning?"
Don't say:
"Let me know if you need anything." (They won't ask.)
When They're Having a Tough Day
Acknowledge their feelings are valid. Don't try to cheer them up.
Say:
"Today sounds really hard."
"It's okay to not be okay."
"I'm here."
"All of your feelings are normal."
Don't say:
"Don't cry."
"You need to be strong."
"They wouldn't want you to be sad."
When They Want to Talk About Their Loss
Encourage it. Don't change the subject.
Say:
"Tell me about them."
"What's your favourite memory?"
"They sound like they were really special."
Don't:
Avoid mentioning the person's name
Change the subject quickly
Act uncomfortable when they talk about them
The magic question that works in any situation:
"What would be most helpful right now?"
This puts them in control and stops you guessing what they need.
The Support Timeline That Actually Works
Here's where most people get it wrong: they stop checking in too soon.
The first few weeks are actually the easiest time for most grieving people. They're in shock. They're surrounded by support. They have things to do. Funerals to plan, affairs to sort.
The hardest time comes later.
When the shock wears off. When everyone else has moved on. When the meals stop arriving. When they're expected to be "back to normal."
That's when they need you most.
Here's the support timeline that works:
Weeks 1-2: Daily check-ins
Quick texts. "Thinking of you today."
Weeks 3-8: 2-3 times per week
"How are you managing this week?"
Months 3-6: Weekly check-ins
"I know everyone's stopped asking, but how are you really doing?"
6+ months: Monthly check-ins, plus special dates
"Thinking of you, especially today."
Remember difficult dates:
Birthdays. Anniversaries. Holidays. The anniversary of their loss.
Set reminders in your phone. These are the days when everyone else forgets and your presence matters most.
Grief doesn't follow the timeline everyone expects. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
When to Step Back and Get Professional Help
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the person you're supporting needs more than friendship. They need professional help.
Red flags that need immediate attention:
Any talk of not wanting to be alive
Complete withdrawal from all contact
Dangerous behaviours (not eating, excessive drinking, self-harm)
Inability to function for weeks
Signs of psychosis or detachment from reality
If you see these signs, don't try to handle it alone.
What to do:
Contact emergency services if there's immediate danger (999 in the UK)
Encourage them to speak with their GP
Call the Samaritans together (116 123, free, 24/7)
Contact their emergency contact if they have one
Signs they might benefit from grief support:
Grief getting worse after several months
Intense guilt or anger not improving
Feeling stuck in their grief journey
Complete loss of hope for the future
How to suggest professional help:
"I wonder if talking to a Grief Specialist might help?"
"Would you like me to help you find someone to talk to?"
Don't say: "You need therapy." That sounds judgemental.
Want emergency response scripts for crisis situations? They're included in my complete grief support toolkit.
Taking Care of Yourself While Supporting Others
Supporting someone through grief is emotionally demanding. You can't pour from an empty cup.
Warning signs you need support:
Losing sleep worrying about them
Feeling responsible for their emotional state
Avoiding other friends or activities
Having your own mental health struggles
Neglecting your own needs
What to do:
Set healthy boundaries. Decide what you can genuinely offer and stick to it.
Have your own support ready. Talk to friends, family, or a counsellor about how you're finding it.
Practise self-care. This isn't selfish. It's essential.
Remember: you're not responsible for fixing their grief. You're just walking alongside them.
Different Types of Loss Need Different Support
Not all grief looks the same. Different losses need different types of support.
Death of a loved one needs help with practical matters (funeral arrangements, legal issues) plus long-term emotional support.
Relationship breakdown needs acknowledgement that this is a real loss, even though the person is still alive. Don't take sides or give relationship advice.
Job loss needs validation that this is about more than money. It's identity, purpose, and routine.
Health diagnosis needs support through fear about the future, plus practical help with medical appointments and daily tasks.
Each type of loss has its own complications. But the foundation remains the same: presence, patience, and practical support.
The Truth About "Moving On"
Let me tell you something that might surprise you.
You don't move on from grief. You move forward with it.
There's a difference.
Moving on suggests leaving it behind. Forgetting. Getting over it. Like it never happened.
Moving forward means integrating it into your life. Carrying it with you. But not letting it define you. It also means acknowledging how you feel, identifying unresolved issues and communications, and processing them.
Think of it like this:
Grief is like a rucksack you now carry. At first, it's so heavy you can barely stand. Over time, you get stronger. The rucksack feels lighter (even though it weighs the same). You learn how to carry it better. You learn when to set it down for a rest.
But you don't throw it away. Because it contains everything you loved about what you lost.
This is what you're supporting them to do.
Not to forget. Not to "get over it." Just to learn to carry it differently.
To build a life that includes the loss but isn't defined by it.
To find meaning and purpose and joy again, while still honouring what they've lost.
This is possible. And you can help them get there.
Your Next Steps
You've learned the foundation of supporting someone through grief. You know what to say, what not to say, and how to show up over time.
But knowing and doing are different things.
When your friend texts you that their dad just died, you'll still feel that moment of panic. "What do I say? What do I do?"
That's normal. That's human.
That's why I created two resources to help you:
Start Here: Free Guide
Download my free guide: "5 Things Never to Say to Someone Grieving (Plus What Actually Helps)."
It's a 10-minute read that gives you the essentials.
Go Deeper: Complete Toolkit
If you want everything you need for every situation, I've created a complete toolkit: "How to Support Someone Through Grief and Loss (Without Making Things Worse)."
It includes:
Emergency response scripts for crisis moments
30 days of check-in message examples
Guidance for different types of loss
Printable reference cards
Self-care strategies
Everything in one place. So you never have to freeze again when someone you love is grieving.
Learn more about the complete grief support toolkit
Final Thoughts
Three years ago, I avoided my friend when she needed me most.
That guilt drove me to create this resource. To learn what actually helps. To support many people through their darkest moments.
And here's what I know now:
You don't need to be perfect. You just need to show up.
You don't need all the answers. You just need to be present.
You don't need to take away their pain. You just need to sit with them in it.
That's enough. You are enough.
Someone you care about is (or will be) going through something devastating. They'll need your support. But they probably won't ask for it.
This guide has given you the foundation. Now it's up to you to use it.
Send someone a message today. Check in with that person you've been avoiding. Use the words you learned here.
Show up. Be present. Follow through.
That's what love and care look like in grief.
And the person you're supporting will never forget that you were there when everyone else disappeared.
Share This Post:
Know someone who's supporting someone dealing with grief and loss? Share this guide with them. Let's help each other get better at showing up when it matters most.
© 2024 Handling Grief
© 2024 Handling Grief