If someone called you in tears saying, "My mum keeps saying she's fine, but I can see the sadness in her eyes. Ever since dad passed, she's become a shadow of herself. I just don't know how to help her - and I'm terrified I'm failing her," how would you respond? This blog post can give you some deeper understanding about supporting ageing parents and loved ones handling grief and loss.

If these words resonate with you, you're not alone. Many of us watch our ageing loved ones struggle with losses they never talk about, leaving us feeling helpless and uncertain how to provide meaningful support.

Where were you the first time you truly realised your parents or other loved ones were getting older? Maybe it was when you saw your dad struggling to climb the stairs he used to run up with ease. Or when your mum forgot something important and you wondered if it was more than just a "senior moment."

On this International Day of Older Persons, it feels right to pause and reflect on what it truly means to support our ageing loved ones, especially when they face loss. Because grief doesn't stop with age. In fact, it often deepens because unresolved grief is not only negative, it builds up over time and doesn't just disappear.

Why Loss Hits Harder in Later Life

As people grow older, loss becomes a more frequent companion. Children leave home. Family, friends, and neighbours pass away. Health declines. Retirement happens and independence shifts. Sometimes, a partner of many decades is suddenly gone, leaving a silence that feels unbearable.

But here's what most people don't realise: our ageing loved ones don't just grieve the obvious losses. They grieve the friend who can no longer visit, the driving licence they had to give up, the independence they once took for granted, the role they used to play in the family.

For our ageing loved ones, grief isn't just about losing people they love. It's also about losing routines, roles, and identities that have shaped their lives:

• A retired teacher might grieve the classroom she no longer leads

• A widower might struggle with the quiet house he once filled with laughter

• A grandmother might feel invisible as her circle of friends shrinks

• A once-independent parent might mourn their ability to care for themselves

These are not small losses. They're layers of grief that stack up, often hidden under a brave smile.

Unresolved grief doesn't just go away with time. Our emotional burden can get heavier and heavier as we push feelings aside, thinking that out of sight is out of mind. Eventually, these feelings demand our attention in ways we can't ignore anymore.

The Silent Struggle: Why They Say "I'm Fine"

One of the most painful truths I've learnt is that older people often carry grief silently.

They don't want to "burden" us with their sadness. They might think: "My children have their own lives to worry about. I'll just keep this to myself."

But silence can be heavy. Left unspoken, grief can weigh down the spirit, drain joy, and even affect physical health. For some, the loneliness of loss can grow so unbearable that it turns into despair and that's where the risk of suicide becomes painfully real, even among older adults.

I know this because we lost an older neighbour to suicide. She had been struggling to look after her ageing husband who had developed Alzheimer's, felt she couldn't cope anymore, and didn't want to become a burden to others. That sad experience really impacted me, and it's one of the reasons why I feel so strongly about reaching out to prevent despair from taking root.

How to Start Gentle Conversations About Loss

There's no one-size-fits-all guide to supporting an ageing loved one. Every story of loss is unique. But there are gentle ways we can walk alongside them and create safe spaces for them to share.

Instead of rushing to "fix" their feelings or offer advice, give your ageing loved ones the space to talk about their memories, fears, and grief. Often, what they need most is to feel heard and understood.

5 Gentle Conversation Starters

Try these conversation starters:

"What do you miss most about [dad/mum/your friend]?" This opens the door for them to share specific memories and feelings.

"What's been the hardest part of this change for you?" This acknowledges that change brings loss, even positive changes.

"Would you like to tell me about [a specific person/memory]?" Inviting stories can bring both tears and healing laughter.

"How are you really feeling about everything that's happened?" This gives permission to move beyond "I'm fine" to honest sharing.

"What would help you feel more supported right now?" This empowers them to express their needs rather than you guessing.

These questions open doors. They invite stories, tears, and sometimes laughter, the very things that ease grief.

When They Still Say "I'm Fine"

When your loved one insists they're "fine" but you sense otherwise, don't push aggressively. Instead:

Acknowledge their strength: "I can see how hard you're trying to stay strong."

Share your observations gently: "I've noticed you seem quieter lately, and I care about you."

Offer your presence: "I'm here if you ever want to talk, even about difficult things."

Be patient: Sometimes it takes multiple gentle invitations before someone feels safe to open up.

Remember: you can't force someone to grieve "properly," but you can create conditions where they feel safe to be honest.

Practical Ways to Support Them Through Loss

Acknowledge Every Kind of Loss

Grief isn't just about bereavement. If your parent or loved one has lost their mobility, eyesight, or the ability to drive, they may grieve that loss deeply. Acknowledge it instead of brushing it aside.

Saying something as simple as "I know it must be hard not being able to do what you used to" can validate their feelings and help them feel less alone.

Encourage Connection

Isolation intensifies grief. Encourage your parents and loved ones to stay connected, whether through a local group, faith community, or simply tea with a neighbour.

If distance is a challenge, help them connect digitally. A regular video call or sending voice notes can remind them they're still part of something bigger.

Share Your Own Stories

Sometimes, older parents or loved ones need to see that vulnerability is not weakness. Share your own experiences of loss. Let them know it's okay to grieve, to feel sad, to miss someone or something desperately.

When we open up about our own humanity, we give them permission to do the same.

Understanding Cultural Differences

It's worth remembering that how people express grief can vary greatly depending on their background.

Some cultures encourage open expression of sorrow. Others value quiet acceptance.

Understanding your loved one's background can help you recognise their unique way of processing loss. It also helps you offer more appropriate support.

When to Be Concerned: Warning Signs

Whilst sadness is a normal part of grief, certain signs need immediate attention:

• Expressing hopelessness or talking about "not wanting to go on"

• Significant withdrawal from all social contact

• Neglecting basic self-care (eating, hygiene, medication)

• Giving away possessions or making sudden arrangements

• Persistent sleep problems or dramatic mood changes

If your parents or loved one shows these signs, take them seriously. Encourage them to speak to their GP, a Grief Transformation Coach, or a support service. Professional grief support designed for older adults can be particularly helpful.

And don't underestimate the power of simply saying: "I'm here. You matter."

Taking Care of Yourself While Caring for Them

Supporting an ageing parent through loss can be deeply rewarding. But it can also be draining.

Many professionals and entrepreneurs I work with are already stretched thin. They're balancing businesses, careers, and family responsibilities.

Here's a reminder you may need today: you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Essential Self-Care Strategies:

Take regular breaks from caregiving duties. Ask for help from siblings, trusted friends, or support services.

Acknowledge your own grief if you're also mourning. Maintain your own social connections and interests.

Consider professional support for yourself if needed.

It's okay to care for yourself whilst caring for them. In fact, it's essential.

A Gentle Reflection

If you have ageing parents or are caring for an ageing loved one, I invite you to pause for a moment. Ask yourself:

When was the last time I asked them how they were really feeling?

Do I know what losses they are grieving right now?

Am I giving them space to share, or am I brushing it aside to "stay positive"?

Sometimes, the most healing thing you can do is sit quietly with them, hand in hand, letting them know they don't have to walk this path alone.

Understanding Your Own Grief Journey

Here's something many people don't realise: supporting someone through grief can bring up your own unresolved feelings. It might make you feel overwhelmed, sad, or even frustrated in ways you don't expect.

When we're carrying our own grief, it becomes much harder to be present for someone else.

If you're wondering whether grief might be affecting you or making it harder to help your loved one, I've created a brief assessment that can offer real clarity. It takes just 8-10 minutes and helps you understand hidden grief patterns that might be influencing your daily life.

You can take the grief assessment quiz here - it might be the first step towards understanding your own journey whilst supporting theirs.

A Free Resource to Help You Support Them Better

Before we finish, I want to offer you something practical. Many people worry about saying the wrong thing or making matters worse when someone is grieving.

I've created a free guide called "How to Support Someone Through Grief and Loss (Without Making Things Worse)."

It walks you through exactly what to say, what not to say, and how to offer comfort that actually helps. You can download it free, and it might give you the confidence to have those important conversations.

Download the free guide here

Moving Forward Together

On this International Day of Older Persons, let's honour not just the wisdom our parents and ageing loved ones carry, but also the grief they hold quietly.

Supporting them through loss is one of the greatest acts of love we can offer.

Remember: grief is heavy, but it doesn't have to be carried in silence. For your older loved ones, and for yourself, there is a way forward.

The conversations may be difficult, but they're also profound gifts. They're chances to deepen connections, share love, and walk together through one of life's most challenging experiences.