My husband thinks words should be used sparingly.

I process externally. I talk through everything. Multiple times. With hand gestures.

We spent years frustrated with each other. Why couldn't he just talk about it? Why couldn't I just sit quietly and think?

Then I read The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain. Everything shifted.

We weren't broken. We weren't incompatible. We were just wired differently.

When I became a Grief Transformation Coach, I realised something crucial: The way you'd want support during grief might be the exact opposite of what someone else needs.

The Mistake Most People Make When Supporting Someone Dealing With Loss

When someone we care about is grieving, we default to what would comfort us.

If you're an extrovert, you might check in constantly, invite them to gatherings, fill silences with reassuring words, or encourage them to talk it through.

If you're an introvert, you might give them space, send a text instead of calling, offer practical help without conversation, or assume they'll reach out when ready.

Neither approach is wrong. But here's the problem: You might be offering exactly what they don't need.

What Introverts Need During Grief (That Extroverts Often Miss)

Permission to process internally

Introverts need time alone with their thoughts. Not because they're shutting you out. Because that's how they make sense of complex emotions.

What doesn't help:

• "Let's talk about it"

• Surprise visits

• Group gatherings with well-meaning friends

• Pressure to share before they're ready

What actually helps:

• "I'm thinking of you. No need to respond"

• Dropping off meals without expectation of conversation

• Offering to handle practical tasks silently

• Respecting their need for solitude

Depth over frequency

Introverts prefer fewer, deeper check-ins over constant contact. Quality matters more than quantity.

What Extroverts Need During Grief (That Introverts Often Miss)

Permission to talk it through. Again. And again.

Extroverts process by speaking. They need to say things out loud, sometimes repeatedly, to understand what they're feeling.

What doesn't help:

• "We've already discussed this"

• Long silences

• Suggesting they journal instead of talk

• Minimal responses that shut down conversation

What actually helps:

• "Tell me more about that"

• Active listening without trying to fix

• Creating opportunities for conversation

• Understanding repetition is part of their process

Connection, not isolation

Extroverts need people around them. Even quiet presence helps. They might benefit from support groups, voice recording their thoughts, or regular check-ins with trusted friends.

The Question That Changes Everything

"What would be most helpful right now?"

This one question puts them in control. It stops you guessing. It acknowledges they know themselves best.

Sometimes the answer is practical. Sometimes emotional. Sometimes it's nothing.

What you need isn't what they need.

How to Adapt Your Support Style

If you're an extrovert supporting an introvert:

• Send text messages instead of calling unannounced

• Offer help with specific tasks requiring minimal conversation

• Don't take silence personally

• Create opportunities for them to open up without pressure

• Respect when they decline social invitations

If you're an introvert supporting an extrovert:

• Initiate contact more often than feels natural

• Be prepared for them to talk at length

• Offer your physical presence, even without words

• Connect them with other people who can provide conversation

• Don't assume they want to be alone

Beyond Introversion and Extroversion: Other Differences That Matter

Personality isn't just about energy sources. Consider:

Processing speed: Some people need immediate conversation. Others need days or weeks to understand their feelings.

Emotional expression: Some cry openly. Others never shed a tear. Both are normal.

Memory sharing: Some want to talk about their loss constantly. Others find it too painful initially.

Different isn't wrong. It's just different.

When Professional Support Makes the Difference

Sometimes grief needs more than well-intentioned friends, regardless of personality type.

Consider professional help if they're experiencing:

• Intense emotions not improving after several months

• Complete withdrawal from daily activities

• Inability to function or make decisions for weeks

• Physical symptoms affecting overall wellbeing

• Multiple unresolved losses piling up

Professional grief support provides structure, tools, and accountability that friendship can't always offer.

What to Do Next

If you're supporting someone dealing with grief:

Download the free guide 5 Things Never to Say to Someone Grieving (Plus What Actually Helps) for specific scripts and phrases that work.

If you're the one grieving:

Take the Grief Assessment Quiz to understand how well you're handling your grief and whether you might benefit from professional support. After the assessment, you can book a free discovery call to explore whether the Handling Grief Programme could help you move forward.

Remember This

The best support isn't about doing grief "right." It's about recognising that we're all wired differently.

Ask questions. Listen to answers. Adapt accordingly.

That's how you support someone dealing with grief without making things worse.