Losses are something we all face in life. Dealing with these can be incredibly tough, and it's easy to feel stuck in our pain. However, there's a powerful tool that can help you find your way forward and regain control of your life: practising forgiveness.

As a Grief Specialist, I've witnessed its incredible ability to help people move on after a loss and find happiness again. I have also seen how damaging unforgiveness can be, when a person feels they just can’t forgive the perpetrator because they hurt them so much. In this article, we'll dive into the idea of forgiveness, what it is and isn’t, its benefits for your mental and emotional well-being, and how it can be a game-changer in your journey towards healing and personal growth. By the end of this read, you'll not only understand why forgiveness is essential but also how to use it to get your life back on track after a loss.

Understanding Loss

Loss comes in various forms, and each one brings its unique challenges. Did you know there are over 40 life events, when something comes to an end or there is a significant change in a familiar pattern of behaviour, that can produce feelings of loss? Whether it's the death of someone dear, the end of a cherished relationship, losing a job, conflict at work, a serious health diagnosis or facing a personal setback, the grief and pain that accompany loss are something we all experience in our own unique way. These emotions can be overwhelming, making it hard to imagine a brighter future.

When dealing with loss, we often experience a range of feelings, from sadness and regret to guilt and anger. These emotions can sometimes be overwhelming, making it difficult to move forward. Unresolved grief can impact our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. It is not only negative, but cumulative and it doesn’t just go away with time. So it’s important to deal with it. But what if I told you that forgiveness can be the key to breaking free from this cycle of pain and grief?

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is choosing to let go of your anger, resentment, and desire for revenge towards someone who has hurt you.

Forgiveness isn’t excusing or condoning what someone did to you, or saying that it didn’t hurt. Instead, it's about freeing yourself from the heavy burden of negative emotions. When you choose to forgive, you let go of your anger and bitterness, allowing you to find peace and move forward.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die!

This is why it’s important to forgive for your sake, not theirs.

The Psychological Benefits of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a game-changer for your mental and emotional well-being. Extensive research in psychology and neuroscience has shown that forgiveness offers many benefits for those who practise it.

1. Stress and Anxiety Reduction: Holding onto anger and resentment can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. Forgiveness helps lower these stress levels, improving your overall mental and physical health.
   

2. Improved Emotional Well-being: Forgiveness promotes positive emotions like happiness, empathy, and compassion. It lets you release negative feelings and find inner peace.
   

3. Resilience Boost: Forgiveness increases your resilience in the face of challenges. It helps you bounce back from tough situations and build emotional strength.
   

4. Improved Relationships: Forgiveness isn't just about forgiving others; it can also include forgiving yourself. Self-forgiveness is vital for healthy self-esteem and better relationships with others.
   

5. More Self-esteem: Forgiving yourself and others can boost your self-esteem and confidence by freeing you from the weight of past mistakes and wrongdoings.
   

6. Better Physical Health: Studies suggest that forgiveness is linked to lower blood pressure, improved immune function, and a reduced risk of heart disease.

The Healing Power of True Forgiveness

Beyond its psychological benefits, true forgiveness can bring about profound emotional healing. Here are some emotional benefits of forgiveness:

1. Letting Go of Resentment: Forgiveness allows you to release the anger, resentment, and bitterness that can consume you after a loss. It frees your heart from the heavy burden of a negative emotion.
   

2. Finding Closure: Forgiveness provides a sense of closure and resolution to painful experiences. It helps you move forward and focus on the present and the future.
   

3. Empowerment: Forgiveness empowers you by giving you control over your emotions and reactions. It shifts your focus from the wrongdoer to your own healing and growth.
   

4. Rebuilding Trust: Forgiveness can pave the way for rebuilding trust in damaged relationships, whether with others or yourself.
   

5. Embracing Compassion: Forgiveness fosters a sense of compassion and understanding toward yourself and others. It encourages empathy and a deeper connection with humanity.

The Process of Forgiveness

While forgiveness offers many benefits, it's essential to understand that it's not a one-size-fits-all solution, and it may not happen overnight. Forgiveness can be challenging, especially when the pain and betrayal run deep. However, with patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to heal, forgiveness is achievable.

Here are steps to help you on your forgiveness journey:

1. Acknowledge Your Pain: Start by recognizing and validating your feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness. It's essential to face the pain before you can begin to heal.
   

2. Understand the Perpetrator: Try to understand the motivations and circumstances of the person who hurt you. This doesn't mean excusing their actions but gaining insight into why they may have acted that way.
   

3. Decide to Forgive: Although it may not feel like it, forgiveness is a choice, and it's entirely within your control. Make a conscious decision to let go of the anger and resentment holding you back. Sometimes this can feel too hard in your own strength and you may need to get help.
   

4. Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself as you go through the forgiveness process. Recognize that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, and it's okay to have moments of struggle.
   

5. Write a Forgiveness Letter: Consider expressing your feelings in your journal or by writing a letter to the person who hurt you, BUT don't send it. Remember, you are only seeing things from your perspective and this is for your healing.
   

6. Seek Support: Forgiving can be a challenging and emotional journey. Seek support from friends, family, a Grief Specialist or other therapist, who can provide guidance and encouragement.
   

7. Embrace Healing Activities: Engage in activities that promote healing, such as meditating on inspiring quotes and scriptures, mindfulness, spending time in nature or prayer. These practices can help you find inner peace and clarity.
   

8. Practice Patience: Forgiveness is not a linear process, and each person’s journey is unique. Avoid comparisons, be patient with yourself and allow your emotions to evolve naturally.

Forgiveness and Self-Forgiveness

In addition to forgiving others, it's crucial to be willing to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness is often overlooked but is equally important for healing and moving forward after a loss. We can all make mistakes and have regrets, but holding onto self-blame and guilt can be damaging to your well-being.

To Practise Self-Forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge Your Mistakes: Recognise and take responsibility for your actions and mistakes. It's the first step towards self-forgiveness. Consider expressing your emotions in your journal, writing an apology letter and not sending it or apologising to the person, if appropriate.

2. Learn and Grow: Understand that making mistakes is a part of being human. Use your errors as opportunities for your growth and development.

3. Let Go of Guilt: First, check if you are experiencing false guilt or true guilt. Sometimes, because people feel guilty, they think they are guilty but when I explore the facts with them, they realise that it is a false sense of guilt. They did the best that they could with the information that they had at that time. If there is genuine guilt, then explore what you need to do to deal with it. Choose to release the guilt and self-blame that may be holding you back from self-forgiveness. Remember that you are not defined by your past actions. Sometimes you may need help to do this step.

4. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Understand that you deserve forgiveness and the chance to move forward.

Loss is an inevitable part of life, but it doesn't have to define your future. Forgiveness is a potent tool that empowers you to heal, grow, and find happiness after a loss. It offers many psychological and emotional benefits, allowing you to let go of negative emotions, find closure, and rebuild trust in yourself and others.

The journey of forgiveness may be challenging, but with patience and self-compassion, it is possible. Remember that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, allowing you to take control of your emotions and your life. By embracing forgiveness and practising self-forgiveness, you can move forward after loss, reclaim your life, and discover the path to healing and happiness.