Did you know there are over 40 life events that can trigger feelings of grief and loss? Grief isn't confined to just bereavements. Whether it's losing a loved one, a family member being diagnosed with a terminal illness, a job loss, the end of a relationship, or the loss of a beloved pet, these experiences can leave us with shattered and overwhelmed feelings.

In the early stages, you may feel numb, as grief brings a heavy emotional load. And without good coping mechanisms and supportive friends and family, it can feel like an emotional roller coaster. Common responses and symptoms of grief can include anger and other physical symptoms.

In this blog post, I want to shed light on the nature of grief and help you understand its complexity. This understanding is an important step in moving forward after loss and getting your life back. Whether a clinical psychologist diagnoses the experience as normal, prolonged grief, or prolonged grief disorder, this blog will help you better understand the grieving process.

What is Grief?

Definitions

The Grief Recovery Institute, where I trained, states that grief is a natural and normal response to any kind of significant loss. It's the conflicting emotions that occur when something comes to an end or there is a change in a familiar pattern of behaviour.

This definition is helpful because it gets to the heart of grief and its origins. It's important to recognise that it is not a sign of weakness or sickness that needs fixing. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person's relationship with grief is unique.

After the death of a loved one, friends and family often talk about the five common stages of grief, but this framework can be unhelpful. It's normal for everyone to grieve differently. Don't allow family or others to dictate how you should grieve.

During your grieving period, you may be experiencing complicated grief which results from various factors that occurred at the time of loss. A common example is grief that involves the loss of a same-sex partner who wasn't accepted by the family.

When someone experiences a significant loss, it can bring overwhelming emotion, which can impact the person for a long period of time. And while the common response to grief is to simply ignore it, ignoring it does not help resolve issues.

Grief and loss deserve our attention, respect, and empathy. When someone is grieving, what they truly need is to be heard with dignity and respect and without interruption, analysis, or judgement.

One of the most common myths about grief is that it eventually heals itself with time. Time isn't the healer. It's absolutely normal for grief to strain on our everyday lives, and it can take a long time to adapt to life after a loss. What really makes a difference is how you go about grief.

The Unique Journey of Grief

The grieving period is a deeply personal experience; everyone processes it in their own way. The process is a complex mix of thoughts, emotions, and reactions that combine to create a unique journey.

Because no two paths are alike, comparisons are very unhelpful. In fact, many current models of grief are not useful for that very reason. Instead of focusing on their own journey, many people start comparing their experience to the model. This adds to the person's confusing emotions and can make them feel angry because they're doing it wrong.

People often mistakenly believe that the most major loss is losing a child or a loved one and that someone losing their pet won't be impacted as much. This is not true as the grieving process depends on the person's assumptions about what the relationship meant. There is no hierarchy in grief events because everyone feels their grief at 100%.

The complexity of your grief experience can leave you feeling lost, confused, and alone. It's important to acknowledge that grief is a natural response to significant change and to give yourself the space, patience, and compassion to understand and process the emotions that come up.

You need to spend time working through the emotions, doing your best to cope with the new reality. And if required, seek other support from a Grief Specialist who offers a practical, action-based step-by-step programme. Not everyone will need specialist help, however.

Unresolved Grief: The Lingering Burden

Grief is not only negative; it is cumulative and won't just go away. The death of a loved one can impact lives and limit capacity for happiness.

Three main causes:

• Wishing things had been different: You may find yourself imagining how you could have said and done things differently, done them better, or done more of them. Regrets about missed opportunities can play on your mind, leading to feeling guilty and feelings of prolonged sadness.
  
  Example: My younger sister had a delayed reaction after the sudden death of my brother. She had a mental breakdown and she died by suicide. Afterwards while grieving, I found myself thinking of all the things that I could have done or said that might have made a difference. This left me with feelings and pain of regret and guilt.

• Shattered hopes and dreams: When unexpected endings or changes shatter your expectations. You might happen to struggle with the pain of disappointment and prolonged sadness.

  
  Example: Having two sons already, when I became pregnant with a baby girl, I started to fantasise about how life would be different. When I had the miscarriage, these hopes and dreams came to an end and left me feeling disappointed and sad that I would never have a daughter.

• Unexpressed emotions: Sometimes, due to a lack of opportunity or because it was a difficult thing to say, we withhold significant emotional communication with our loved ones. When they pass away unexpectedly, the unspoken words and unshared emotions become a heavy burden.
  
  Example: When my mum decided to go on holiday, we were quite excited. We thought we could do lots of fun things. As they were about to leave, I had a sudden urge to tell my mum that I loved her and give her a hug. But I decided not to make a fuss as I thought she'd be back in 6 weeks. Sadly, she died whilst on holiday. I spent years replaying that scene and feeling regret that I didn’t listen to my heart.

The Emotional Impact of Grief

Unresolved grief can affect a person physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—in the short, medium, and long term. The grieving process has consequences on very practical matters, and it affects not only you but also your friends and family members.

Many people have heard of the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The Grief Recovery Institute has found this to be an unhelpful model because each person experiences it differently. These stages of grief actually refer to people who are dying, not grieving.

Here are the different types of symptoms you may encounter.

• Physical symptoms: fatigue, changes in sleep and appetite, neglecting self-care, weakened immunity, and increased vulnerability to accidents and illnesses.

• Mental symptoms: struggling to focus, memory problems, indecisiveness, procrastination, lack of motivation, and lower cognitive function.

• Emotional symptoms: intense sadness, anger, regret, guilt, hopelessness, emptiness, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and a tendency to isolate ourselves.

• Spiritual symptoms: feeling disconnected, losing sense of purpose, experiencing feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness, yearning for meaning, and sometimes, questioning or losing our faith.

Again, everyone grieves differently, which means symptoms vary from person to person. If you experience anticipatory grief, complicated grief, or disenfranchised grief, consider speaking with a Grief Specialist instead of a general grief counsellor.

Dispelling Misconceptions about Grief

To truly understand grief, we need to debunk some common misconceptions.

Unresolved Grief

Isn't a linear process

The widely known stages of grief are not as helpful for dealing with a death or loss of a loved one. The framework was originally intended for studying individuals facing death, not those who were grieving. People experience grief differently.

Unresolved grief is unique and deeply personal. Recognising the complexity helps you when coping with grief and processing it with patience and self-compassion.

Doesn't have a timeline

There's no expiration date on going through the journey, and it's unhelpful to impose one on ourselves or others.

Time, on its own, is not the healer. True healing depends on the actions that we take over time and requires a personalised approach. Avoid unhelpful coping behaviours and allow yourself to grieve, honour your unique journey, and resist the pressure to conform to others’ expectations when dealing with the death of a loved one and other losses.

Isn't a sign of weakness

Although grieving can make us feel vulnerable, it reflects your capacity for deep love, empathy, and emotional connection. It takes a lot of strength and courage to face your emotions, confront your pain, and deal with unresolved grief so you can move forward and get your life back. Reject anything that suggests you should "get over it" or "be strong." Embrace your emotions, process your grief at your own pace, and seek professional help if you feel stuck.

Isn't all negative

While grieving can be agonising and challenging, it can also hold the potential for transformation. It can give us a new perspective on life, new priorities, and an appreciation for what truly matters. Grief can become an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery if you focus on outcomes instead of fixing the blame.

Embracing your losses can lead to positive change, and help you move towards a more meaningful and purposeful existence. It reminds you that life is short, reminding you to express love, make time for loved ones, and leave a lasting legacy now.

How to Recognise if You Need Professional Help

If you're struggling to move forward after the loss of a loved one, it may be wise to seek help from a peer support group.

However, here are a few signs that you may need more expert support with your grief:

Prolonged Sadness

Grieving is a process. Your feelings of sadness and loss can become prolonged if there are unresolved issues or your feelings are getting worse instead of better.

Difficulty Functioning

Grief can affect all aspects of your life, including your work, relationships, and overall well-being. You find that you are unable to function as you normally would, or are struggling to take care of yourself.

Intense Emotions

Grief can involve a wide range of intense emotions, including anger, guilt, and fear. While these feelings are normal, they are so intense that they are causing you distress or interfering with your daily life.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief is a condition in which the normal process of grief is prolonged or distorted. Signs of complicated grief include excessive yearning or longing for the deceased, difficulty accepting the death, feeling that life is not worth living, difficulty moving on with life, and avoiding reminders of the person who died, etc.

Self-Destructive Behaviour

Grief can lead to a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, which can in turn lead to self-destructive behaviours, such as substance abuse, eating disorders, or self-harm. You notice you are using some of these behaviours to numb the pain.

Remember that you're not alone. Help is available, and reaching out for expert support can be an important step in the healing process when you get stuck while grieving.

A Grief Specialist can provide you with a safe and supportive environment to get the right knowledge, tools, and processes to help you work through your grief. They can also help you develop coping skills and strategies for managing your emotions and feelings.

Remember, grief is a natural response to loss. It's crucial to allow yourself to acknowledge and process your emotions and feelings in healthy ways. Seek support, take care of yourself, be patient, and embrace the potential for personal growth. With time, patience, compassion, and the right tools, you can navigate the journey of grief, heal your heart, and move forward to get your life back.

Next Steps

Download my FREE guide, 10 Common Mistakes When Handling Your Grief here:
https://handling-grief.com/commonmistakes-handlinggrief

To book a FREE discovery call to see if you need professional help, here is my Calendly link:
https://calendly.com/ghulam1uk/30