Losing a baby is an incredibly painful and traumatic experience that can leave parents feeling lost, alone, and overwhelmed with grief. As someone who has experienced three miscarriages, I understand how difficult it can be to find your way through the grieving process. 

My first miscarriage was at 12 weeks. The baby didn’t develop. I had a very heavy bleed and I was really unsure about what I might deliver. In the end it was just the sac.

No one had discussed with me about the possibility of miscarriage and how common it is. After I shared what had happened, many women shared that they had experienced it too. Without any knowledge, tools or process I struggled to process my grief and my next pregnancy involved me being anxious. Every small spotting made me fearful it was happening again. 

The second miscarriage at 20 weeks caught me off guard as I thought I was now safe. I didn’t realise that although the baby was beautifully formed, my cervix was weak. I was busy helping decorate, moving heavy items and squatting, completely oblivious of the risks this caused to our baby going full term. My husband was delighted we were going to have a baby girl. He loved our boys dearly and also longed to have a little girl and I developed all sorts of expectations about finally not being outnumbered by 3 males in our home. I started to imagine how I could finally have an ally and we could do girly things together. 30 years ago we weren’t concerned about how this might be perceived! All these disappeared when the doctor told me that the baby was too young to be saved. More grief, and this time mixed with regrets. If only I had realised I needed to be more careful...… and miscarriages don’t just happen in the early days.

The third miscarriage was in some ways the hardest. By now the doctors had figured out that I had a weak cervix and said they could put a stitch in that could help. I readily agreed to the procedure until they explained there was a risk of miscarriage. I said that unless they really thought it was necessary, I would prefer not to take that risk. Sadly, I came to regret this decision. All seemed to be going well until 24 weeks. During my check up, the doctor noticed that there was some ballooning and I was sent immediately to the hospital to be on bed rest. I was told that if I could last another couple of weeks they could try saving the baby. Sadly, I didn’t make it and we lost our beautiful little daughter. Lost our last chance to have a baby girl! Our hopes, dreams and expectations dashed.

Some people trying to be helpful, said unhelpful things like: at least you have two healthy sons already. Intellectually true but emotionally unhelpful. A nurse who wanted to rush me to give her Sophia because she was going off duty. Our hopes and dreams lay shattered but for her, just another day at the office! I told her in no uncertain terms that her bedside manner was sorely lacking and thought her callous and careless approach was unhelpful and unappreciated.

Kind acts meant so much. A friend stitched a beautiful little dress and bonnet for Sophia. Another friend helped me to organise a simple but beautiful service. I channelled my grief emotions into decorating the coffin with beautiful lace and giving her a beautiful send off.

I can’t change what happened but I can choose how I respond. Having dealt with many previous losses, I knew it was very important to acknowledge my feelings and that crying when I needed to was an appropriate response.

In this blog post, I want to share some tips and strategies that can help you cope after baby loss. 

1. Allow yourself to grieve

It is important to acknowledge and allow yourself to grieve after the loss of a baby. Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss, and everyone experiences it differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so don't feel like you have to fit into a particular mould or timeline. Take the actions you need to process your emotions and heal.

2. Seek support

Don't try to go through the grieving process alone, even though you may be tempted to withdraw and be alone with your sadness. Reach out to loved ones, friends, and family members for support. Choose to spend time with those who will listen without trying to analyse, judge or fix you. 

They may not know what to say or do, so tell them what you need. Having them there to listen and offer comfort can make a big difference. You may also want to consider joining a support group or seeking professional  help to work through your emotions.

3. Take care of yourself

It can be easy to neglect self-care when you are grieving, but taking care of yourself is essential to healing. Eat well, exercise, and get plenty of rest. Engage in activities that bring you joy and comfort, whether it's reading a book, taking a bath, or spending time in nature.

4. Find ways to honour your baby

Finding ways to honour your baby can be a healing and comforting experience. This may include creating a memorial, planting a tree, or making a donation in your baby's name. You may also want to create a special space in your home where you can display mementos and keepsakes that remind you of your baby. Be creative.

5. Give yourself time but remember time isn’t the healer 

Be patient with yourself and don't rush the process. Know that it's okay to have good days and bad days, and that you may experience a range of emotions over time. Remember, healing is a journey, and it's important to take it one step at a time. Check you have the knowledge, tools and processes you need to move forward and avoid being stuck in your grief.

Losing a baby is one of the most difficult things a person can experience. It is a journey that requires courage, strength, and support. Remember that you are not alone, and that there are resources available to help you through this challenging time. With time, patience, and support, you will find a way to heal and move forward.

Here are some links to specialist resources for baby loss from the AtALoss.Org website: https://www.ataloss.org/pages/search.aspx?q=baby%20loss
https://www.ataloss.org/pages/search.aspx?q=sands

PS. I am a testament to the fact that it is possible to move forward after baby loss and to end on a good note, I’m now a proud grandmother of a beautiful baby girl.

To get more tips, ask questions and find out how you can work with me, you can join my FREE Facebook community. Here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/handlinggrief/

Below you can watch me being interviewed by Matt Thompson from Funeral Templates about baby loss.

Here is the link for Matt's website. Do check it out. https://funeraltemplates.com/