Coping with Insensitive Remarks During Grief: A Gentle Guide for Navigating Unhelpful Support
Grief is a deeply personal and often overwhelming experience. When you’re grieving, even well-meaning comments from others can sting. People may try to offer comfort, but their words or actions—however kind their intentions—can sometimes feel dismissive, awkward, or downright painful.
I understand this from my own journey. When I was 13, my mum died suddenly during a family holiday. A kind neighbour, meaning to be helpful, told me not to cry and to “be strong” for my younger siblings. I took her advice seriously. For years, I held in my emotions, thinking that was what strength looked like. But that advice didn’t help—it trapped me in pain and unresolved grief for many years.
If you’ve experienced something similar, this blog is for you. Let’s explore how to manage unhelpful or insensitive comments with compassion and confidence—so you can protect your emotional well-being while honouring your grief.
Why People Say the Wrong Thing
Most people mean well. They genuinely want to help, but often don’t know how. We live in a society that avoids talking about grief openly, so many rely on clichés or assumptions.
Understanding this doesn’t excuse the hurtful comments—but it can help you respond with less emotional weight and more clarity.
Acknowledge Their Intentions (Without Accepting Harm)
When someone says something that doesn’t sit right, try to recognise the intention behind it. This helps you respond rather than react.
You might say:
“Thanks for wanting to help—it means a lot.”
“I appreciate your concern.”
Starting with appreciation can soften the conversation, even if you need to gently correct or redirect them.
Be Clear About What You Need
People aren't mind readers. Letting others know how they can truly support you is important.
Try saying:
“Right now, I really just need someone to listen.”
“It would help more if you could sit with me rather than offer advice.”
These clear, kind responses let others know what’s truly helpful.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are essential during grief. If a conversation or comment feels too much, you have every right to protect your emotional space.
You could say:
“I’m not ready to talk about that just yet.”
“That’s a difficult topic for me. Can we change the subject?”
Boundaries don’t push people away—they show self-respect and help others understand how to support you better.
Practise Patience—With Yourself and Others
Grief affects your energy, mood, and tolerance levels. Be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to take time to process your feelings before responding to others.
It’s also okay if you don’t always handle things perfectly. Grief is messy. You’re doing the best you can.
Find People Who “Get It”
Not everyone will understand your grief, and that’s okay. Surround yourself with those who offer:
A listening ear
A calm presence
Practical help without needing to “fix” you
You may find some people emotionally draining right now—and that’s valid. Give yourself permission to spend less time with them, and more time with those who make you feel safe and supported.
Make Self-Care a Priority
Grief is exhausting, so taking care of yourself is non-negotiable.
Here are a few gentle self-care ideas:
Go for a walk in nature
Take regular breaks from work or social media
Eat nourishing food, even in small amounts
Rest as much as you need
Create small moments of joy—like lighting a candle, listening to music, or sharing tea with a friend
Self-care doesn’t mean “getting over it.” It means nurturing yourself while you heal.
Choose When to Respond (and When to Let It Go)
Not every insensitive remark needs a response. Sometimes, ignoring it is the kinder option—for yourself.
Ask yourself:
Will saying something help me feel better?
Or will it leave me more upset?
It’s okay to step back from conversations that aren’t helpful. You’re not obligated to explain your grief to anyone.
Consider Professional Support
Sometimes, the support from loved ones just isn’t enough—or it may not feel like the right kind of support. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or alone, a grief specialist can offer tailored guidance in a safe, confidential space.
Here are signs you may benefit from professional support:
Ongoing sadness or hopelessness that doesn’t ease
Difficulty sleeping or eating
Trouble concentrating or functioning day-to-day
Intense feelings of guilt, regret, anger or resentment
A sense of being “stuck” in grief
Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a courageous step towards healing.
Final Thoughts
Grief changes you—but it doesn’t have to define you. As you navigate this deeply human experience, remember:
You’re allowed to feel what you feel.
You can set boundaries that protect your energy.
Not everyone will say the right thing—and that’s not your responsibility.
You don’t have to go through this alone.
Free Resource for You
If you’d like more support, I’ve created a free guide:
📘 10 Common Mistakes When Supporting Someone Dealing with Loss
It’s perfect for sharing with friends, family, or colleagues who want to help but aren’t sure how.
Or, if you’d like personalised support, you’re welcome to book a free discovery call or read my article Is Unresolved Grief Holding You Back and take the free quiz to see how you're really coping.
You deserve support that truly helps. And I’m here if you need it.
